I don't have the words.....

I'm not sure how to write this post. I don't know where to begin. Or where to end.
Maybe by writing this, it will help me deal with some of the thoughts and feelings that keep running through my mind.
I got a phone call today from a friend of mine. She wanted to know if I had heard about the girl. I asked what girl and she said the one who committed suicide. The Orthodox St. Louis girl. She wanted to know if I knew her. I almost didn't want to know but I asked anyway. Who was it?
"Sarah Adelman".
It was like someone punched me. I couldn't really believe it at first. She was my age. A grade younger than me in school. We weren't close but I knew her. I spent 10 years in school with her. She was always so friendly and sweet.
And now she is dead? She committed suicide? It didn't make sense.
My friend forwarded the article to me from the New York Post. Here is the link: Upper West Side Suicide

I read the article. Once. Twice. Three times. I felt sicker everytime that I read it. But it was so hard to believe that it was true. That kind of stuff doesn't happen. Certainly not to people we know. But there it was. In black and white. With her smiling face staring out at me. Her roommate was quoted at the bottom of the article - I know her. I was friends with her. We took tap dance together. This is too close to home.

I can't stop thinking about it. About her. About all the things she will never do. Or never do again. I keep thinking about how can someone be so miserable in life that they will jump out of their 8th story window?? What are they thinking right before hand? She called a friend of hers before she jumped. To say goodbye and that she loved him. He begged her not to do it. She was writing the note while they were on the phone. I guess the note said where she lived and DNR - Do not resusicate.
She had been depressed for awhile but no one thought it was that bad. I understand now how depression can truly be an illness. No one just jumps out of a window - in the middle of the afternoon. She must have been suffering so badly. Maybe she isn't suffering anymore. I don't know. I don't know what happens now.
But I keep thinking of her family. Everyone knows the Adelmans. That has to be the worst thing in the world. To have a child die. Not only to die but to take their own life. How does a parent handle that? How does a mother deal with that? Oh G-d, the agony. We should never know such sadness and grief. I pray that her family is somehow able to go on and able to survive. I don't know how someone recovers from that.
Her younger sister married another St.Louis boy. They live in Israel. Her parents called to tell her she had to come home. That her sister was killed. But they didn't say how. Because how do you tell someone that.
I spoke to a couple friends that went to the funeral. They said it was terrible. Everyone was crying. Yes, I know many people cry at funerals. But there is crying. And then there are heartwrenching sobs. My friend said it was the hardest thing she has ever done. In her life.
St. Louis is in shock. How does a community get over this? I guess eventually they do. But I imagine it will take years. Decades maybe.
I remember the year I spent in highschool at Block in St. Louis. They had moved the girls to a new building. Right near the mall. We would often walk to the mall during our lunch break or a free period. On that walk to the mall, we passed a tall office building. And I remember hearing about a boy who commited suicide off that building. A yeshiva bochur. Everytime we walked past that building, I would look at it and almost get chills. And that wasn't even someone I knew.
Weird.
I asked another friend who was closer to her if she knew she was depressed. And she said she knew that she felt very pressured. All of her close friends were married, most with at least one child. Her younger sister was married. And she couldn't find someone. The pressure to get married was a lot for her. I don't know if it was internal or external or both. But maybe this will be an eye-opener. There is so much pressure on girls to get married. 25 is not an old maid. Far from it. That's something to keep in mind.

I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her friends and her family and how awful they must feel. Awful for the loss and awful that it didn't have to happen. It shouldn't have happened. I am sure they are going to have to deal with so many different emotions. And I feel for the boy who broke up with her on Sunday night. I know that isn't why she jumped. But it was probably the last straw. But I don't envy that poor boy and what he is going through. And her roommate, Aviva. They grew up together. They were best friends and roomates. They saw each other every day. I know she is not dealing with this. I can't even begin to imagine what her mother is going through. I wish them all strength and peace. To everyone that this affects.
I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I should have done something. Maybe that's crazy. I mean, I don't know when we last spoke to each other. I wish we were closer. I wish I had been there for her. I don't even know what I wish. I just feel so bad.
I don't know what else there is to say.

One of the things I heard that was said by the Rabbi of the Young Israel in St. Louis. He and his wife were both teachers of mine. In more than one grade. And I know they taught Sarah, too.
He said the Torah teaches us "V'Ahavta L'erayacha Kamocha - Love Your Neighbor as Yourself." We are all supposed to love our friends the way that we love ourselves. But what do you do if you don't love yourself?
That was an amazing thing about Sarah. She was able to love her friends so much and always greet people with a big smiling face. She was able to truly love her friends.......... even though she didn't love herself. She was able to really take care of her friends. Even though she was hurting so badly inside. Hurting more than any of us can know.

Poor Sarah. May she finally rest in peace.

We interrupt the previous post to bring you this message.....

I'm famous!!!
Ok, not quite. But I am on the Free Press website video. I didn't do a very good speaking job but oh well....
You can see the video by going to freep.com. It is towards the middle of the page on the left side. Under "Southfield crowd says Israel should not yield". Under the blurb, it says VIDEO: Local Demonstrations. Click that and first you will see the Arab demonstration and then the Israel one. I am towards the end. Oh yah, and I am the one walking in wearing the Israeli flag, talking on the phone.
Or I think you can go to this link: http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200660720002

Enjoy. :)
And just to let you all know. There is another "rally" tonight at Dovid Ben Nuchim for Tehillim. It would be nice to have as big a gathering there as we did for the rally last night.....

Part 1

I am taking a poll.

If you were not charged for an item or were mischarged (to your advantage) and realize afterwards, do you go back to the store and have them correct the mistake?

Great Quote

I found a great quote before one of the stories in Chicken Soup for the Parent's Soul.

"Parenthood: The state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage."
-Marcelene Cox

WOW, is that ever true......

Invinsible? I am not.

Ok - this post goes out to Shelley - my loyal blog reader. And perhaps the only one left?
Oops, I will try to start posting more often. My life has been busy lately but not really with blog-worthy stuff.
But here is the story Shel has been waiting for.
Some of you may know that I play basketball on Monday and sometime Wednesday nights with a group of girls/women. We've been playing since January-ish and look forward to it every week. It's GREAT excercise - we play for about an hour. And it's fun!!
But people get hurt a lot. Mostly ankle injuries, some hand/finger injuries, and an eye. Most of our husbands play basketball on Tuesday nights but they never seem to come home with the injury stories that we have. Maybe it's because they have been playing longer. Or perhaps because they are Men - ar ar ar.
Until this past Monday, I hadn't had any major injuries. The worst I think was a fall on my knees that got bruised pretty badly and then fell again the next week. But certainly nothing that would prevent me from playing.
I hadn't gone to basketball the week before because we had a wedding to go to and this past Monday we were coming back from a funeral in Pittsburgh. I wasn't sure if I would make it on time for b-ball but we made it back in town, I changed my clothes, made a quick phone call, and was off to b-ball. Had to show everyone that I WAS dedicated!!!
There were only 5 people that showed up so we were playing 3 on 2. Someone threw me a pass that I caught badly and POP!! I felt it and knew something bad happened.
Being the (expired) EMT of the bunch, I usually bring those one-time use ice packs. But since I was in such a rush to get to the game, I didn't have time to go through my EMT bag to find one. Oops. Although it wouldn't really have fixed my problem.
So, after I felt the pop, I ran outside to the water fountain to get it under some cold water. And that's when I looked at it. Ewwwwww. My left pinkie was sticking out sideways from the middle joint. Ewwwww.
I went back into the gym, holding my hands up and said something like, "There is something really wrong with my finger." I think it grossed everyone out pretty badly. At first I thought it was broken because of the way it was sticking out but I was able to move it a little so I figured it must just be dislocated and needed to be popped back into place. I wasn't quite sure what to do from there. So I asked, "Ok, what do we do? Where do I go? Do I go home? Emergency room? Is there a doctor or someone around who can help me?" There was a lot of drama going on amongst the other people who were there but they will have to tell you their stories....
Someone spoke up and said she would call a doctor who lives right around there. He is the husband of one of the women who usually play with us (but she was currently in NY). So she called him and he told us to come over to his house. We raced over there and he looked at it and offered to pop it back in place with or without numbing it. I kind of wanted it back in place right then and there but luckily the person I was with said NUMB IT!! So 3 shots later (AHHH) it was numb and back in place. He gave me a temporary splint and a script for X-Rays to make sure nothing was broken.
We went to the hospital that night so we would know if it was broken or not and after 2 hours and a lot of run around at the hospital, we had the X-Rays done. Of course, they couldn't read them and give us the results so they said I would be contacted in 2-3 days. Ugh.
Luckily, the wonderful doctor who replaced my finger called for the results in the morning. He told me it was good news. Nothing was broken. But I wasn't sure why I was still in pain and why my finger was turning purple. That was explained an hour later when the doctor called back. He said that the initial report was from the resident but he wanted to double check it with the Official Report from the radiologist. That report said there was a slight fracture. Booo.
He then told me to make sure to see a hand specialist (there is a good one who davens in our shul) to make sure there was no tendon or ligament damage and to see how bad the fracture was. Of course attempting to make that appointment was really difficult. But after numerous phone calls and a visit to that doctor's house, I got my appointment this morning.
Yes, there was a fracture and even I could see it!! But luckily there was no major ligiment damage. I have to keep a splint on it for 3 weeks. And then we'll see................
No basketball for at least a month................
And that's what happened to my finger.
So that's my long story. Shel, I hope you enjoyed!!! I made it extra long (and kinda boring) to make up for the lack of blogs.
More to come....