Bad Day

I haven't mentioned this to a lot of people. Maybe I haven't mentioned it to anyone. What tomorrow is.

My dad died 10 years ago tomorrow.

It snuck up on me this year. I felt like I should recount the years. Has it really been 10? February 23rd, 1997.
Seems like ages ago.

I don't have anything planned. And it's not his Hebrew Yarzeit yet. That's next week. Tuesday after Purim. Not sure what I am doing for that either but I will have someone say Kaddish and maybe we will sponsor something at shul or give Tzedaka. There are "things" to do in Judaism to help deal with the loss. I don't know if it is really dealing with the loss anymore. More like keeping his memory alive. Or just remembering in general.

But I don't want to treat tomorrow like it is just another day. Because it's not. It's the day my life changed. My world came crashing down. That sounds dramatic. But it's true.
There have been many days in the past 10 years that I wondered if I would ever be happy again. Truly happy. I haven't asked myself that question in a couple years though. I know the answer now. I am happy. I have an amazing husband and an incredible son and a new baby on the way. It's nice to be happy.

So what do I do with a day like tomorrow? I can't act like I did when I was younger. Just close up and not do anything. Sit around and be sad. Even though that's what I want to do. I want to take the day off. From everything.
But I have to get up with Jonah and cook for Shabbas, run some errands, get some work done, do laundry. Just another day. Maybe I will be on strike. For a day.

Well, maybe that's why I am blogging. This is an outlet for me. A place where I can just type my feelings. They don't have to make sense. But it's also a way to let other people know what's going on in my life.

The hardest part is losing the memories. I don't remember the things I used to. Every year I feel like I lose more. And I wonder - when Jonah is old enough to ask about my dad, will I have anything left to tell him? I don't have a lot of pictures. My dad was the photographer so he was always taking pics not being in them. We have very few of him. I've got a "box of memories". Random things I saved after he died. Things we found in his dresser drawer. He used to take the change that would accumulate in his pocket and put it in a little glass bowl. I have the change from that bowl. I imagine him emptying out his pocket for the last time before he ended up in the hospital. He lived for another month after that stay in the hospital. But he certainly never emptied out any more change from his pockets. I have some old eyeglasses of his. And an old drivers license. I think I may have his wallet. Just miscellaneous stuff. But that's tangible.
Memories aren't tangible. And it's hard to hold on to them. The strongest memories I have are from when he was sick. And when he died. Maybe because those are the most recent. Or maybe because those are the ones I consciously held on to. I knew that I wouldn't have him around much longer. So I had to engrave those memories into my head.

I don't think I will ever lose the memory of when he told us The News. The final news. It's not the actual memory that I remember so well. But it's my thoughts I had at the time. I don't think I will forget what I was thinking.
My brother and I were in his hospital room. My brother was sitting on a chair and I was sitting on the ledge near the window. My dad called that room his "winter chalet" because the view was of some woods and they were all covered in a beautiful snow. I even remember I was sitting on the vent because it kept blowing air. But it was cool air because I kept pressing my hand against the vent and then against my face. My face felt like it was burning up.
I don't remember the exact words he used. Isn't that weird? The worst thing I had ever heard in my life and I don't remember the words.
He told us that the doctors didn't give him much time left. That there was nothing more they could do. The cancer was spreading. It had spread to his liver and eventually his liver will just shut down. And so will he.

I remember that we were interrupted by a nurse. She came in to see how my father was feeling. He told her he was doing better and he thinks he was just sick before as an emotional reaction to the news. I remember thinking that was strange. My dad getting sick. Of course, he is sitting there with cancer but I thought it was strange because he was so calm in telling us. It was weird thinking of him getting emotional when we weren't there.
But what other reaction would someone have when hearing they will die.
She left and he kept talking to us. But there wasn't much to say.
I remember sitting there, looking out the window. With the tears running down my face. I didn't know what to say. Part of me just wanted to curl up next to him and cry. Just hold onto him and never ever let him go. But I didn't. I remember that I wanted my brother to talk to him and work things out. Sometimes they had a rocky relationship and I just wanted everything to be ok.
I think I saw that he was crying. And that struck me also. It made it more real to me. If Adrian is crying, it has to be true.
And I remember thinking it's not fair. It's not fair that my dad has to sit there and tell his children that he is going to die. That is WRONG!! How does a person do that? How do you find the strength?
It's just wrong. It's not fair.
After we left the room, I think he was going to tell my mom or maybe someone else. My aunt? We were in the waiting room. And a rabbi from my elementary school came by to visit. I felt bad. He had no idea that it wasn't a good time. I don't even remember what we said. I was just numb. He left his business card (he is also a moyel) and said to call if/when we need anything. It was a nice gesture but I remember thinking - how can he just go about his regular life when my dad is lying there dying???
That was a common thought throughout the experiance. How does the world go on? Don't they know what's happening???????

That's enough for now...........
Sorry no upbeat messages this year.
Not tonight at least.

But it's ok to be sad. It's healthy to be sad.

I'm sad.

Stand Up to Ahmadinejad

Watch this 2 Minute Film from Aish and then sign the petition.
Pass it on!!

http://www.aish.com/Iran/HR/

Savings Bond

I just found a US Savings Bond from 1991. What am I supposed to do with it?
I assume I am supposed to take it to the bank but is there any chance I will get any extra money from it because it's so old?

Aches and Pains

BEWARE!! WARNING!!! This blog contains many many complaints!!!!

Is it pregnancy or old age (haha) that is making my body fall apart?
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet- I think I am having a rough week.

Last night I had a terrible headache for the first time since I got pregnant. I took 1 and 3/4 Tylenol because that is all that was left in the bottle.

I have a nasty eye infection that makes my left eye BRIGHT scary red and when I sleep it sticks together. Ew.
Don't worry I saw an excellent eye doctor. He gave me drops and told me to take out my contacts. So on top of everything else I have to wear my glasses. Boo. They make my eyes tired. Maybe that's where the headache came from

I'm fighting something. I don't know if it is a cold or sore throat or what but it's taking ALL of my little remaining strength from me and I am completly worn out.

I can't get comfortable when I sleep because the baby is getting so big. So when I sleep on either side - which is the position I am supposed to sleep in when pregnant - I feel like I am smushing the baby. I think it is still sideways. When does it turn head down????

And I have a weird yucky thing on my left foot and toe. It's been there for awhile and I thought it was a callous but now it actually hurts when I walk. I don't know if it is something worth going to the foot doctor for because I feel like it can probably be cured with an over the counter thing. Maybe I should know what it is.
I'm thinking of asking my OB if he knows what it is or if I should go to the foot doctor about it when I go next week. I like to treat my OB as an all around general practitioner. :)

And those are my complaints. All in all, not terrible by themselves but heaped together - they got to me. Thanks for listening to (reading) my whining. I'll be fine soon.

Wish me luck at work today. BLAH!!!!!!!! Maybe they will send me home because the customers will complain about the lady with the gross red eye.
Also, there is supposed to be a BIG snowstorm coming this afternoon. So I will have to attempt to drive through it wearing my glasses. AH!

Purim

I need a good idea for a Purim Costume - preferably one that incorporates my will be 8 month pregnant belly!!!!!!
If I can, I would love to do a theme with Shu and Jonah.
Any ideas?
Also looking for a theme for Shaloch Manot.

I'm drawing a blank............

The Hulkster

Hulk Hogan learns about Kosher from his new Jewish Neighbors.
This is a clip from Hulk Hogan's reality show on VH1.
Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv1AJ53WfFc

Haha!

The Name Game

What is a Hebrew name that means "Youthful"?

Thanks!