I've started a list of questions. They are things I want to ask G-d after 120. Most of them are pretty big ones. But I added a new one on Tuesday. Not as big. But something I am really wondering about.
As most people reading my blog know, I am expecting and the due date is about 3 weeks away. With my first child, I ended up having a C-section after 32 hours of labor and I had a very difficult recovery. I'm sure it was not helped by the gallstones and gallbladder removal 3 months post c-section but whatever the case may be, it was rough. While pregnant with my first, I read a LOT of books and had hopes of delivering with no pain meds and even started off the first 12 hours in the Birthing Center at Providence Hospital. A VERY comfortable place that I recommend everyone start at even if they end up moving to labor and delivery. :)
Anyway in the books I read I pretty much breezed past the c-section parts thinking no way, not me. But I do remember reading that a lot of women feel cheated after a c-section. They are upset, they feel like they failed, etc. I did not feel that way after my delivery. I wasn't happy about it but it was just the way things were.
Until I got pregnant with #2. Then I started wondering...... can I handle a regular delivery? Would I be able to do it? Would I really be able to push a CHILD out of my body??? I don't know. Drugs or no drugs, that's a pretty scary thing. Maybe I can't do it. Maybe my body doesn't work that way.
As little girls, we grow up learning that we are supposed to get married, get pregnant, and have a baby. Babies come out of certain parts of our body and scary as it is, if you push a baby out of your body - you can do anything!!!!!! It's an impressive task and I am always amazed hearing people talk about their birthing experience. I am always really awed by it.
And I question whether or not I can do it. I want to do it. I want to have that experience. Even if it's just once. So pregnant, with Baby #2 - that was my plan. 3 of the 4 doctors in my practice were very supportive of it. There are risks involved with VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Delivery) but they are small and the docs felt there was no reason not to try for it as long as I am aware that it may not work out and I may have to have another section. Ok, fair enough. So over the past 2 months, I have started my reading again. Learning about the different stages of labor, coping with the pain of contractions, various pushing positions. I was getting ready for the big marathon. As friends have described it, the hardest physical thing you will EVER do in your life. So I was preparing. And I was actually getting excited. Scared, but excited. I spoke with friends about their birthing experiences, trying to understand how it works, how it feels. And weird as it sounds, I was looking forward to going into labor. To reaching the pushing stage. To that amazing moment when a child actually comes out of me??!?!??! WOAH.
Then my plans came screeching to a halt. I went to the doc on Tuesday and it turns out, the baby is sideways. Not only sideways but spine down. Normally the doctors would manually turn the baby. However, since I had a C-section the first time, this doctor doesn't want to try and turn it because she is afraid of my scar rupturing. That could end up in a very bad outcome for the baby and possibly for me. So that means they will do a scheduled C-Section. Sorry, no chance for VBAC.
Not only that but if the baby stays in this position with the spine down, they will have to do a vertical incision to get it out because they can't deliver a back. My first section was a horizontal incision so one consolation I had in regards to a second c-section was that they will be cutting over scar tissue and dead nerves so it won't be quite as bad a recovery as the first time. Woo hoo.... But if they do a vertical incision, it means a whole new pain, a whole new recovery AND no chance for VBAC with any future children. The chance of rupture with a vertical incision is much higher than a horizontal one.
And I will never know. I will never know whether or not I could have birthed a baby the way women are "supposed" to. I will never know if I have that in me. I will never be able to say, I can do anything - I pushed a child out of my body!!!
So it's on my list of questions.
Why not someone else who wants a c-section?
Could I have done it??
Why didn't I get the chance to find out??
There are more thoughts about this upcoming experience but I have to go to work so they will be saved for another time.