Agony

I don't know what to say. I don't want to think about it. I don't like to hear about it. It stresses me out. And it pulls at my heart.

I read on Digital Irony's blog about the disengagement from Gaza being over. But I couldn't even read the whole thing. I just had to skim it. Because if I think too much about it, it makes me too sad. I read about the young people who holed up in the yeshiva and the girls who took over the abandoned house. And how they had to be carried out by soldiers because they were fighting so hard. And about the boys and men who held onto the floor boards, so it would be harder to remove them. These poor people. I am so far removed from the situation and so far away from the country that I hear about these things and they make me sad. But when I take a minute to process it, I get choked up with tears in my eyes. These people are being kicked out of their homes. Their beautiful homes and lives. And being sent to live in caravans and hotels. How do they deal with it? How can this have happened??? What will be next?
My sister-in-law is very involved in what's going on there. From protesting to helping the newly homeless people pack into their temporary teeny homes and trailers. I spoke to my brother-in-law the other day and he gave me a brief run down on what it's like in Israel now. And at a glance on my other brother-in-laws blog, I saw that he went down to Nitzanim to do manuel labor - in whatever was needed. For these people who voluntarily but unhappily left their homes. Because what else were they supposed to do??
And I just feel sick to my stomach about it. For a couple reasons, in no particular order.......

1. I have not really followed what is going on. If somebody were to ask me questions about it, I would hardly be able to answer a thing. I feel guilty about that. Like I should know what's going on in MY country and MY homeland. But on the other hand, I don't want to know. Because it makes me feel worse about my #2 and #3 reasons.

2 - I am not doing anything about it. I know I am thousands of miles away. But I still feel like there are plenty of Americans that probably are doing something. Somehow. Supporting or protesting. Or just educating themselves. And I am just sitting here.

3 - I am not there. The fact that I am not in Israel right now hurts so badly that I don't even want to think about my country. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know. Because the more I hear, the harder it is to be so far. I can barely even read my siblings (in law but whatever) blogs because they ARE there. And even with all the turmoil going on, I know they are lucky.
I just know that I belong there and should be there and that dream of mine is so far in the future. I was there during the worst part of the Intifada. I was there and involved. Volunteering for MDA. Ready to rush to the scene of any terrorist attack. Educating people about the situation, about what TO DO. About Israel. There were days I didn't think I would make it. There were days when I was scared to death. But every minute I was there and every day that I made it through. I knew I belonged. And I couldn't leave my country then. I was there then and I should be there now.

Sigh.
But I'm not.