Morning finally rolls around. Contractions are about 2 minutes apart, a bit stronger. I need concentration to get through them. But it’s helpful having someone watch the monitor. And afterwards we can say, wow, that was a big one. At this point we want the big ones to keep coming. We get a new nurse and her name is Bev. She is pregnant too with her first baby. And no, she doesn’t know if it is a boy or girl. Good for her! She seems really nice and we hope she will be the LAST nurse we have. But I think her shift is until the evening and there is no way that they will let us go that long without having the baby. Well, Dr. Schoenberger shows up and it’s actually nice to see his face instead of hearing from him through the nurses. And we can finally talk business with him. But first, time for another internal exam. The nurse has to put the bed all the way down and that is painful in itself because lying flat on my back is no party. Then he checks me and it’s awful. This was certainly the most painful thing in the pregnancy. No need to go into details but it is REALLY horrific. I feel like it is torture and I can hardly handle it. It scares me that if I can’t deal with this pain, how can I birth a child? Mom says it’s different kind of pain. Internal exams are bad. Finally he finishes and I just want to die. No good news to look forward to either. I am still hardly dilated and maybe 60% effaced. The baby’s head is still very high up. Why won’t that baby come down? The Pitocin is helping but not enough. Contractions are not close enough together to keep the baby’s head down. The doctor says he will give it until this afternoon and if there is no more progress by then, they will have to do a C-section. The concept is incomprehensible to me. I am not going to have a C-section. We ARE going to push this baby out. The doctor is not optimistic that anything will change but he will give it some more time.
More Pitocin. More hours roll by. No changes. I am so terribly exhausted by this time. Will it ever end? The concept that I will actually have a baby is getting harder to believe. I try to tell myself by this evening I will definitely have a baby, one way or another. But it’s really hard to imagine. I’m totally drained. Well, it’s 11 am and the doctor comes back. He says he wants to try something when he does the internal exam. He is going to try to put in another monitor so they can get a better reading on my contractions. They don’t seem to be changing too much but maybe the internal monitor will tell us something else. Uh oh, another internal exam. Really, really, really painful. He thinks there may be a second bag of waters that he is going to try and break. He thinks that he breaks something. Now time for the monitor. This is awful. I don’t know what to think or do or say, I am in so much pain. I just keep praying that he will be done soon. It can’t go on forever. Please let him finish. Finally, he is done but was unsuccessful. Now comes the talk. Basically, if nothing changes, which it most likely will not by 1pm – we’re doing a C-section. The reality hits me. And so does the fear. I ask the doctor if he can stay for a few minutes and talk to me. I want him to explain what happens in a C-section and answer my questions and maybe help with some of my fears. I need to do this now so that I have time to mentally prepare for the surgery. I have never had surgery before in my life but it’s looking imminent. So hard to believe but I have to believe it. I like to think something will happen in the next 2 hours but I know it won’t. Not after 30 hours of labor. So he agrees to stay as long as I need and his AMAZING bedside manner comes out. Not only does he explain the process and listen patiently to my fears but he compliments me on how strong I am and what an amazing job I have done so far. He tells me that he was “torturing me” with the internal exams and I handled it so well. I didn’t freak out or scream or cry. He is really impressed and yes, my pain tolerance is VERY high. As for my big fear with the c-section, I am scared that I won’t be able to feel myself breathe. I heard that happens sometimes because the numbness goes really high. Dr. Schoenberger says it’s rare to happen but yes, it can and I will still be breathing even if I can’t feel it. The best thing to realize is if I can talk, I can breathe. Of course he adds, if I do stop breathing, no big deal, they will just stick a tube down my throat and breathe for me. LOVELY! Well, he says he will see us at 1pm and make the call and then he leaves.
Then the tears come. I can’t help it. I break down. Not sobbing hysterically or flipping out or anything. Just sad, tired, can’t believe the way things are going kind of tears. My mother in law comes in then and sees me crying. She gives me a hug and we all talk a bit about the situation. I keep repeating that we are so lucky that both me and the baby are healthy. The heartbeat is strong, baby is just happy in there. But it’s time to come out, time to be born. For sure by this afternoon we will have a baby. Still hard to believe. I’m so scared of the surgery. I am scared of not feeling myself breathe. I am scared of being numb from the chest down. I am scared of being sliced open. I am scared of throwing up. I am scared of something going wrong. I am scared of getting the spinal. Luckily Shauli can be there with me. I don’t know what I would do if he wasn’t. I can’t go alone. My Mom can’t come though and that’s hard. She has been such an amazing birth coach (in addition to Shauli) and now she can’t come for the final part. She can’t be there for the birth. I feel bad for her too, not just me. My mother-in-law stays for a while which was really nice and then she has to go because she has a million things to do. David and Shany are flying in today. What a day! But she says she will come back in time for the surgery and stay with my mom throughout. That’s good. I don’t want my mom to be alone. I wish we could stop the Pitocin. What’s the point? I wish we could take off the monitors. What’s the point? I am working to change my mindset. I am going to have a C-section. That’s the real deal. Me. C-section. Me. Surgery. No more eating or drinking. That’s a killer. The ice chips have been amazing and I need water. My throat gets so dry. Well, we cheat a little bit.
And here comes 1:00pm. Dr. Schoenberger comes back and the final verdict is, as we knew it would be, C-section time. However, first he has to go supervise a D & C and then he will come back at around 2 and we will go in. After he leaves, a very very young resident (probably my age) and an even younger med student come in and say they will be assisting the surgery. The resident seems ok. The med student seems like she really doesn’t have a clue. Great. I don’t want them doing my surgery. But I am too tired to argue or say anything. I just think it. Jocey has been in touch with Shauli all along and I speak to her before the surgery. I speak to AP at some point too (may have been earlier) and he even does the cheer. That makes me smile. It’s nice to have such good friends. I ask everyone to daven for me. I am terrified. I say the Tehillim that Sho told me about. I am really praying that Hashem give me the strength to get through this. Mentally and physically. I have accepted it but am still in some state of shock and disbelief. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I am going to have a c-section. That’s it.
Shauli and my Mom pack up our room because they are going to have to bring the bags somewhere when I leave for surgery. The nurse comes in and gives me something gross to drink that is supposed to prevent me from getting sick. On one hand, I want the doctor to come already so we can get started so that it can be over. On the other hand, I want him to stay far away. In come all the people with papers for me to sign. The resident comes and tells me all kinds of scary things that can happen in a C-section, sign at the dotted line. Then the anesthesiologist comes and says even more scary things and has me sign at the dotted line. I do but wish they could have done that earlier. Not half an hour before I go under the knife. Time is going so slowly.
Here comes the doc. I guess I am relieved to see him. Let’s do this! They are going to wheel me into the operating room and Shauli is going to stay behind and put on scrubs. They will give me the spinal and prep me and then Shauli can come in. It’s about 2:20. My mother-in-law is back. I am glad I get to see her again before going in. They stop the Pitocin (finally) and hook me up to a catheter. Ugh. That’s painful. I don’t know how people have them in all the time. It completly grosses me out. The “fun” never ends. That’s how I feel. Things just keep happening. When will it all be over? Will I really have a baby at the end of all this? Boy or girl? I’m so curious. They unstrap me from the monitors. Well, this is it. It’s time. And they roll me out of the room. I wave goodbye and don’t want my family to worry.